I just came back from the pokémon league,
and man, do I have to rant!! Today, you get to hear why I think Ash
Ketchum makes pokemon look bad!
First, we'll look at Ash. You know who
he reminds me of? One of those dippy little kids carrying their
practically cremated holographic cards in some dirty binder or a shoebox,
saying "So what if you're on your Rainbow Badge in the pokémon
league and you've only lost twice? My pikachu is gonna beat all your
stooooopid psychic cards! <Insert guffaw here>" I mean, look
most of the pokemon commercials. Most of them have a picture of Ash
hugging, catching, or otherwise with pikachu. We all know that dirty
yellow rat really sucks in the TCG and the Gameboy Game! Lots
of people hate pikachu and Ash! Some people wonder why...they're in
EVERY FREAKIN' COMMERCIAL!! People get bored of seeing the same dippy
10-year old and his yellow rat everywhere! People who aren't
familiar with pokémon think it's all about cutsie little monsters that act
like Teletubbies or something. That's why even though pokémon is
popular, there's so many hate sites out there on the 'net - all targeted at
pikachu and/or ash, I might add! Phew, back to Ash. Now, have you
ever played one of those kids who throws together an unstable deck with
nothing but singles and no trainers and expect to win with it? I play 'em
all the time at the pokémon league at the New Dimensions Comics in Cranberry,
PA. . .the Gym Leader and the other guys that work there are cool and all, but
i'd say about, oh, 90% of the kids there are little 6-8 year olds carrying a
beaten-up card binder with holos that look like MissingNo. in the gameboy they
have so many scratches! Ash would be on their level, and maybe even
worse. Imagine him at the TCG. Take this script from an imaginary
TCG match with Me VS Ash I came up with:
<Shuffle, shuffle>
<I draw a Movie Mewtwo, 2 Chanseys, and four psy energies, I
put Mewtwo out and bench the chansies>
<Ash draws 3 pikachus, 2 bulbasaurs, and 2 squirtles, he
tries to send out a pikachu and bench all the rest>
Me (Justin): Hey, only five pokémon on your bench at a
time!
Ash: And what if I don't?
Justin: If you don't, you'll lose all your little plastic
badges that you falsely earned, that's what.
Ash: AHH! How did you know these aren't real?
Justin: Because you're the worst trainer that I - and everybody
else here- have ever seen!
Ash: Grr....<he takes back a squirtle>
<I flip and call heads, it's heads>
Justin: OK, I go first. <I put a psy energy on
Mewtwo>
Ash: HAHA, now it's my turn! Pikachu uses
thunderbolt, you're dead! HA HA!
Justin: Ash, that's a base-set pikachu. You don't
have any energy attached to it, and thunderbolt isn't one of this pikachu's
attacks!
Ash: Energy? What's that?
Justin: It's one of these...<I show Ash a Psychic
Energy, then explain about how pokemon need energies to attack>
Ash: But this is supposed to be like the T.V. show!
On the TV show, my Pikachu can hurt rock pokemon with electric attacks!
Justin: Ash, this isn't the TV show. You can't cheat here
like you do on the TV show.
Ash: Aww!! Your turn..
<I attach another psy energy to Mewtwo>
Justin: Your turn!
Ash: <Looks at his pikachu> Pikachu, do you want to
evolve so you can beat that nasty ol' mewtwo?
Justin: Ash, that card is an inanimate object! It
isn't alive!
Ash: It is so alive! <crying, talks to the card>
Don't listen to him, pikachu. I know you're really alive!
Justin: Are you done yet?
Ash: Fine <sniff> your turn!
<I attach another psy energy to Mewtwo and Psyburn for a
KO>
Justin: OK, I psyburned your pikachu, it's KOed. I
draw my first prize! <Ash puts his hand down and doesn't let me draw
my prize>
Ash: Pikachu is not KOed! It...uh...it dodged the
attack!
Justin: Ash, you can't dodge attacks in the TCG!
Now shut up and quit your whining. It's your turn. Send out one of
the pokémon on your bench.
Ash: Bulbasaur, I CHOOSE YOU! <does a pathetic
bulbasaur impression>
Justin: Yeah, yeah...
<I KO all of his pokémon, him not putting down any
others>
Ash: Now for my last resort! I hate to do this to
you, you're probably going to hate me for this <cackles> GASTLY, I
CHOOSE YOU!! <sends out a base-set gastly>
Justin: Ash, you can't...oh, forget it.
Ash: <Attaches an energy to gastly> Gastly, use
your sleeping gas attack! <flips a coin, it's tails> Wahhh!!!
I wanted it to be headsss!!
Justin: Good for you. I'll use psyburn again, KO.
There are all my prizes. I won.
Ash: But...but that's not fair! I'm supposed to win
everything with my dumb pikachu!! <tries to tackle me>
Justin: <steps aside, Ash tackles the gym leader
instead>
Gym Leader: Oh, so you wanna act like that, huh?
Get out of the league! I never want to see your
sorry-excuse-for-a-pokemon-trainer keyster in this place ever again!
Ash: No!! You'll never take me alive!!
AHAHAHAHAHA!!! <laughs insanely>
<The Gym Leader picks up the phone and calls the insane
asylum>
<Shortly after, two men in white suits walk in and tie Ash
up in a straight jacket>
Ash: HAHAHA!! Pokemon gone, pokemon all gone!
Justin: <looks at Misty and Tracy> They say you can
visit him from 5-7 PM on Saturdays.
Misty: But what will Ash's mom say about all of this?
THE END
That was fun, but I have to go. I hope you enjoyed
reading this.
Justin Smith