I thought it would amuse you - and it also allows me to post the quiz entries up before I get a massive log-jam of them. So, here are my top eleven cards which I would like to see created:
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Card Type: Trainer
Card Name: Semtex
Illustration: Belt of plastic explosive strapped to a Pikachu
Card Function: "When this card is played you say 'I got a little something
under my shirt', then show your opponent the card. You both forfeit the game and
begin again on sudden death."
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Card Type: Trainer
Card Name: Impostor Bill
Illustration: John Prescott
Card Function: "Your opponent draws two cards"
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Card Type: Trainer
Card Name: Communist Professor Oak
Illustration: Prof. Oak in a beret with a Karl Marx moustache saying 'Viva La
Revolution!'
Card Function: "You and your opponent take your prizes, discards, hand and
deck and combine them together to create a player who has all the cards. This
player is called The State, and sits there with the cards, not doing a thing.
Whoever had the most prizes wins."
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Card Type: Basic Pokémon
Card Name: Dead Pikachu
Illustration: A Pikachu skewered on a thunder stone
[Height and Weight the same as a regular Pikachu]
Type: Electric
Evolution: N/A
HP: N/A (Dead Pikachu is 'knocked out' after any move - but no prize card is
taken)
Power:
Fertiliser - Use Dead Pikachu as a like a 'Pokémon Breeder' card for any plant
type pokémon. Discard Dead Pikachu and all cards attached to it in order to
place a stage 2 evolution upon the appropriate basic pokémon.
Attacks:
Decompose (CC) - Your opponent's pokémon take 10 damage after each go.
Retreat cost: C
Pokédex: A terrible accident occurred when a trainer tried to force his Pikachu
to evolve - and the results of this mishap can be seen here.
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Card Type: Stage 1
Card Name: Dead Raichu
Illustration: A Raichu skewered on a thunder stone
[Height and Weight the same as a regular Raichu]
Type: Electric
Evolution: Evolves from Dead Pikachu
HP: N/A (Dead Raichu is 'knocked out' after any move - but no prize card is
taken)
Power: N/A
Attacks:
Organ donor (CC) - Discard Dead Raichu (no prize is taken) in order to remove
all damage counters from all of your pokémon in play.
Embalm (CCC) - Your opponent's pokémon all take 20 damage after each go and
their attacking pokémon is confused.
Retreat cost: CC
Pokédex: After the terrible accident occurred when a trainer tried to force his
Pikachu to evolve, the thunder stone it was impaled on at least made the corpse
evolve!
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Card Type: Trainer
Card Name: Propaganda
Illustration: A picture of a 'Join the Army' poster from 1915
Card Function: "When this card is played, flip a coin. If heads, your
active pokémon's attacks do double damage for two more of your turns (this one
inclusive) - then it is automatically knocked out on the third; the same applies
for the next active pokémon, and the one after than (switching/retreating does
not eliminate the automatic K.O. after two more of your turns) If tails, you
paint your cards white and throw them out the window onto the road."
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Card Type: Trainer
Card Name: Strange Use Of Capital Letters
Illustration: A WotC employee sitting at a computer, scratching his head
Card Function: "This Card is completely Stupid. You cannot Understand a
single Thing which It supposedly implies. When this Card is Played, no more Pokémon
are Asleep, Confused or Paralysed, but all Retreat Costs are put Up by One. The
Effect of This Card stops Working as Soon as You or your Opponent has Had
enough. There can be more than Four of this Card in your Deck - but That too is
Stupid for One very good Reason which I won't Go into Now. "
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Card Type: Trainer
Card Name: Squirl Revolution
Illustration: A red squirrel wearing a crash helmet, holding a bazooka
Card Function: "The game is won by whoever has the most prizes. You abandon
the table. Now, one of you takes the task of rounding up all grey squirrels you
can see, and the other goes about cloning a red one many times over. Once this
is done, the red are re-introduced into the wild, and the grey shipped off to El
Salvador."
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Card Type: Special Energy Card
Card Name: Go!! Go!! Barbiturate Cocktail!
Illustration: A spaced out Pikachu with a tourniquet around its right leg
attacking a brick wall with the phrase 'Santa Man Woz Ere' upon it
Card Function: "Attach this card to your active pokémon. That pokémon's
attacks will now all have a '1 colourless' cost, knock out the opponent
instantly, and do 20 damage to each benched pokémon (including yours - apply
weakness and resistance), as well as any other side effects (you should know
about these from PSE lessons). Your active pokémon now faints and cannot be
revived with any trainer card. This is not a basic energy card"
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Card Type: Trainer
Card Name: Dress Up as a Tap and Go Around Talking About Water Pollution in the
Developing World at Glastonbury
Illustration: The woman who dressed as a tap and talked about water pollution in
the developing world at Glastonbury
Card Function: "Play this card and dress up as a tap. No matter how
pressing the matter of attacking is, your pokémon will not take anything you
say seriously. If the pokémon has two or more attacks, then choose one and pay
the cost. Flip a coin - if heads, choose another attack on the card and perform
that (but with the cost of the other). If tails, perform the regular attack. If
your pokémon has one attack, make up another one so that this card can still be
played."
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Card Type: 5th Dimensional Paradoxical 4th Division 7th Seed ?ber-Trainer
Smash with Combination Shatter-Cross-Platform Spray
Card Name: Strange Advanced Card from a Yet-to-be-released Set Which is
Impossible to Understand - Yet the People on Pojo Talk About it a Lot
Illustration: [No room for illustration]
Card Function: "If you or your padre have any seismic baby pokémon in
play, choose three. These are now counted as shallow adolescent pokémon. All
your opponent's (or his padre's) attacks and lunar-releases now do 40
steel-damage and 20 teleportation-shower fantasies. Your (or your padre's
showbull's [but not your padre's]) attacks no longer need to have Psychological
Instability or Smallness applied. If any pokémon (but not yeoman farmer of
samurai sub-class aphrodisiacs) are stranded during the next turn, sub-turn or
spin, flip a strappler. If steamy, choose one Radish-Trainer and attach it to
one of your opponent's padre's showbull's rambucklers; if hollow, choose a
Three-Tonne-Defribulator and attach it to one of your padre's sticklers; and if
made of stone, take the fourth Weswell-Cup-Card belonging to both showbulls and
place it face down on top of the rambucklers' Haunt-Stack. This card can only be
played once by either player, but three times by a padre, twice by a showbull
and unlimited times by a rambuckler. Of course, if neither player - but a padre,
showbull or rambuckler - plays the card, then role-reversal play is activated in
order for the instructions to be carried out. Role-reversal play ends when all
the actions are complete - but continues if neither humperdinger is founded upon
a sheel (unless either showbull has a yak)."
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Cards created by,
Chris Fenwick
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caecilius@mac.com
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Quiz-tion Time
Send the answers to the following question to me:
What would happen if you - in specific detail - tucked into a caesium sandwich?
Previous Quiz Answers and Awards
From the Unbeatable Deck article: The intended answer was:
Old King Cole had three fiddlers, and The Grand Old Duke Of York had ten thousand men. So, you can see it as: 4 men take 17 days to do the pig sty - how long do 10,001 take?
There are (4 x 17)man-days of labour in the sty = 68 man-days
You divide this by the 10001 to get how long it would take the Duke:
68/10001 = 0.0067993201 days.
You then find out the number of seconds.
Then, I realised that I put 'wall' at the end, not 'pig sty'. This means that the answer is that it takes them no time at all, as they can't build 'the same wall', as there was no wall in the first place. I bodged that up a bit. Sorry.
People who answered correctly (either way): Ian Signore, Tom Eager and
'Twilight'
'Jmwwmj' gave an answer.
The Joke from the Pokémon League Article : I got two punchlines for this joke, but as Pojo is a 'family' site, I don't think either is suitable (one involved tweezers, the other an oil can - though even these brackets may say too much). They were received from Josh Man and Lucas Birch. My punchline was: "Lay on, MacDuff!" (a line from 'The Scottish Play').
The Exeggutor Article Quiz Answer : 'Xerox'. Nobody got that
one.