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Ace’s Multi-Purpose Writing Module #5
An Intensive Study of Yugioh Players In Their Natural Habitat
By: Ace of Spades - 04.12.05

SCENE 001:

Location: A dark, grimy dungeon

A man in vaguely oriental clothing steps into the dungeon. The creek of the metal door echoes behind him. He tentatively moves over and kicks a lump of rags on the ground.

???:

Ace of Spades, get your worthless body out of bed.

ACE OF SPADES:

[groggily] You call this a bed? What do you want out of me now, Pojo?

POJO:

[sneering] It’s been nearly two weeks since you wrote anything. The audience needs their columns!

ACE OF SPADES:

You can tell the audience to go-

POJO:

[impatiently] Write or you won’t get fed tonight!

ACE OF SPADES:

[cynically] Fine, fine.

Pojo withdraws an old, battered typewriter and throws it at Ace, who is knocked over onto the ground. His body hitting the cold floor makes an echo as Pojo stalks away, closing the door behind him.

All right folks, I’ve got this new article for you. Every column writer and their mother has written an article on the types of players in the game. Uncle Ace is going to throw a curveball and write about the different kinds of spectators instead.

Look, just go along with it, because it’s all you’re getting.

 The Serial Toucher*

            Picture this: it’s the final round of your local game shop’s weekend Yugioh tournament. It’s down to you and Bill, the local Chaos deck master. You’ve got him on the ropes and you think you can pull it off.

            Then one of the spectators looks over your shoulder and flips up one of your set cards so he can see him. A stunned expression comes over you. The kid could have revealed your strategy if he wasn’t careful to hide the card from Bill. Then he walks around you and peeks at the top card of your deck.

            Now there’s nothing especially wrong with seeing a friend’s cards while he’s playing. When he gives permission. It’s incredibly rude when the person is a stranger or someone who didn’t give permission. This is even an offense worthy of disqualification in higher game tournaments.

It’s even worse if the person reveals your strategy. You’ve got the kid looking over your shoulder and then he says that one dreadful phrase:

“Wow! You’ve got [card name]! Can I trade you for it!”

This act needs to be punishable by law.

The Rules Nazi

            Dungeons and Dragons players know who I’m talking about.

            Even if he’s not in your game, the Rules Nazi will see fit to argue over every move you make until he convinces you that you’re wrong. He’ll even take it up to the tournament judges who will come over and take his side on the argument. Look pal, it’s not your game, why do you care if I do something incorrectly?

            The Rules Nazi will also see fit to take on a tournament organizer or UDE rep when he makes a slightly incorrect ruling. He’ll then take it up with the main UDE company and try to get him fired.

            It’s just a game; nobody has the entire errata and FAQ list memorized. Except the Rules Nazi. Which is why nobody likes him. The term is also interchangeable with “Rules Lawyer”.

Soccer Mom/Otherwise Annoying Parent

            Who doesn’t appreciate the nice little kid, willing to learn the game, even if he has to get beaten? Then the parents get involved.

            Hovering like a vulture, studying the opponent’s every move, making sure that mean old kid doesn’t cheat their sweet, innocent baby, the parent accuses the player of cheating at any opportunity, if only to elevate their own child.

            As far as the parent is concerned, every older player is a possible scammer or delinquent intent on taking down little kids at a child’s card game. How can they expect their “widdle Bumpkins” to learn the game and gain experience when they keep on attacking the opponent for the kid.

            I applaud those parents who take their time to appreciate and learn the game along with their children. This is what those in the business call “good parenting”.

I can assure you, if I ever come across a forty-something mother or father who understands what I mean when I say “He just used a Compulsory Evacuation Device to return your kid’s Breaker back to his hand, then used D.D. Designator to remove it from the game”, that would be the coolest parent ever.

Bob the Hutt

            “Could you please move? We need this table to play at.”

            “Why can’t you use the floor?”

            “Well, seeing as you’re not playing in the tournament, I just thought…”

            “You thought what? That I’d move just for you? You’ll play on the floor and

              you’ll like it.”

            You’ve all met Bob. He comes in with a large bag of stuff he picked up from the Denny’s across the street, buys 3 bucks worth of snacks from the game shop, then plops down at one of the gaming chairs to eat and trade.

            Then Bob doesn’t sign up for the tournament. Sometimes taking up a whole two seats, Bob (or Barb, as the case may be) refuses to move for anyone who needs to play. This results in a large anomaly in the middle of the gaming room, too lazy to get up or play, but still managing to bring the strength to trade from his foot-tall binder or shout out incorrect rulings at players within range.

            Bob the Hutt as a Rules Nazi would be truly terrifying.**

Compulsive Trader

            Remember what I told you about trading back whenever-the-heck it was I wrote last?

            There are plenty who understand that trading during a game is very rude. Others, well, don’t. They will come up and, after investigating your hand and cards, display their binder hoping you will trade them the card YOU JUST PLAYED.

            Kid, we’d be glad to look over your trade cards after the duel is over, but I kind of need this Tribe-Infecting Virus at the moment.

            The Compulsive Trader is also in the same family as the Serial Toucher. I can only imagine what such a combination would bring.

Coach Mutou

            Coach Mutou is convinced that you have no idea how to play and will never get better until you take his advice. He points at cards, then makes gestures as to what you’re supposed to do. Trouble is, you can’t understand him, and he’ll get very frustrated when you couldn’t perform his GOD MOVE.

            Known as Back-Seat Dueling, the process is one of the more annoying. Coach Mutou will continue to try and help you until long after he’s outstayed his welcome. If you ignore him, and lose, he becomes an excessive gloater who only seems capable of saying “I told you so” continuously.

            Also, once you start to play next to Bob The Hutt, he sometimes takes on the guise of Coach Mutou as well.

Cheerleading Entourage

            After the opponent plays a game-breaking card, his/her cheerleading entourage will come into effect.

            Basically, their aim is to tell you how there is no way you can escape, or how their friend is going to own you, or how you might as well give up now.

You’ve seen the anime right? This is basically Duke/Otogi’s group except far less good-looking.

The matter will only worsen if you happen to have Coach Mutou in the vicinity, who will actively start his own fight with the cheerleaders.

Bored Party

            The perfect antithesis to the cheerleading entourage, the Bored Party will tell either player to hurry up and lose, just so they can leave.

            The Bored Party comes in several varieties.

-The uninterested girlfriend/boyfriend (“Can we go? Why do you even play? I don’t have

 time for you to play your silly game…)

-The younger sibling (Daddy said you have to take me home now! Can you buy me a soda? Huh?)

-The Magic/D&D/Warhammer/other hobby Junkie (Why do you play this kiddy games?

Let me buy you a pack of Magic cards or something?)

There are several other versions on the market, but these are the most common.

Actually, I pretty much just covered the bad spectators. I guess they were just more interesting than the good ones. I’m sure there are many more out there, and if there are, DON’T FLOOD MY INBOX ABOUT IT.***

Join me next week, when I make my escape from this wretched prison write another column. Farewell.

            -Ace of Spades, who is very glad that he can’t be fired. Not without a struggle at any rate.

Ace can be contacted at ctrlaceofspades@gmail.com

* Points to anybody who gets the reference. What use are the points? You’ll find out.

** I actually have had a pleasant encounter with one of these. I should really get back in touch with him. With a brick.

***Actually, go ahead. Who knows, I might throw it in an article when I run out of ideas.