SCENE: 005*

Location: The comfort of Ace’s home.

ACE OF SPADES:

And now to throw in some witty one-liners and… done!

Suddenly the windows shatter and five black-clad figures dive in, all wearing duel discs.

COIN FLIP:

Prepare for trouble!

DAWNYOSHI:

And make it double!

Ace stares up in bewilderment at his five guests.

SAND-TRAP:

We demand our cameos!

DARKPALADIN:

Or we’ll… um… eat your Oreos!

OTAKU:

You’ve used JAELOVE, Tranorix and even ExMod.

DAWNYOSHI:

So, write us into a scene you great big clod!

COIN FLIP:

Jessie! [under his breath] Wait a minute, why am I Jessie?

SAND-TRAP:

James!

DARKPALADIN:

Team Rocket rip-off at the speed of light!

OTAKU:

Write us in now, or prepare to fight!

MEOWTH:

Meowth, that’s right!

Ace turns back to his computer and quickly types up some stuff.

ACE OF SPADES:

All right.

            Well now, we are ever pleased to see the glorious release of yet another set of Yugioh cards. The Lost Millennium is upon us, bringing in several new pieces of cardboard, that in our current play environment will never, ever see the light of play.

            Get it? It’s a pun! “Play” rhymes with “day”! Oh you don’t get it.

            Let’s get the ball rolling. Many thanks to Frankenstein’s Cousin, whose TLM spoiler I have stolen borrowed.

TLM-EN001 Elemental Hero Avian
Wind/Warrior/3/1000/1000
"A winged Elemental Hero who wheels through the sky and manipulates the wind. His signature move, Featherbreak, gives villainy a blow from sky-high."

In the interest of keeping this a family-friendly column, I will withhold the joke I was going to make about the last line of the card’s flavor text.

TLM-EN002 Elemental Hero Busttinatrix
Fire/Warrior/3/1200/800
"A flame manipulator who is the only woman among the Elemental Heroes. Her Burstfire burns away villainy."

Kudos to the guy in charge of name changes for the English release. Busttinatrix, man.

TLM-EN006 Ancient Gear Golem
Earth/Machine/8/3000/3000
Effect: This card cannot be Special Summoned. When this card attacks with an ATK that is higher than the DEF of a Defense Position monster, inflict the difference as Battle Damage to your opponent's Life Points. If this card attacks, your opponent cannot activate any Spell or Trap Cards until the end of the Damage Step.
Ultra Rare/Ultimate Rare

This is the card on the front of the package. Which means that it’s not necessarily good, but it performs well on eBay. Though as I read it, the potential for ownage in a Rock-deck, which I hear are getting better is pretty high. There’s that nasty Special Summoning restriction, though. Tsk, tsk.

TLM-EN012 Hieracosphinx
Earth/Rock/6/2400/1200
Effect: As long as this card remains face-up on your side of the the field, your opponent cannot select a face-down Defense Position monster as an attack target.
Super Rare/Ultimate Rare

 Hieracosphinx is a great name, by the way. The card seems decent I suppose, but if you have a card facedown in Defense position, usually you want it to be attacked. Unless you’re doing stall or burn.

TLM-EN014 Moai Interceptor Cannons
Earth/Rock/4/1100/2000
Effect: This card can switch to face-down Defense Position once per turn.

I’m assuming these Interceptor Cannons are in place all around the totalitarian island nation of Moai. I can see how the effect might help. The communist dictator merely launches attacks at neighboring nations until the U.S. Navy shows up on his doorstep, at which point he can get all defensive and stuff. Moai will then be secure for another year while it plans its retaliation. This would go great with Tranorix’s Communist Deck from half a year ago.

TLM-EN017 Grave Ohja
Earth/Rock/4/1600/1500
Effect: As long as a face-down Defense Position monster(s) remains on your side of the field, a player cannot select this card as an attack target. Each time a monster on your side of the field is Flip Summoned, inflict 300 points of damage to your opponent's Life Points.
Rare/Ultimate Rare

I totally read that as Grave O J. Now I realize that I’m about five or six years late to be making O.J. Simpson jokes. Michael Jackson is where it’s at now.

TLM-EN019 Monk Fighter
Earth/Rock/3/1300/1000
Effect: Make all Battle Damage inflicted to the Life Points of this card's controller 0.

A Monk Fighter, eh? In 3.5 edition rules, this card would be illegal. Once a monk multi-classes, he can never go back to the way of the monk.**

TLM-EN025 White Ninja
Light/Warrior/4/1500/1800
Effect: FLIP: Destroy 1 face-down Defense Position monster.

Where all the black ninja at, foo?

[EDITOR’S NOTE: We would like to apologize for that off-color joke of Ace’s. As punishment, we shot him in the foot, so we think he’ll behave.]

TLM-EN031 Des Wombat
Earth/Beast/3/1600/300
Effect: As long as this card remains face-up on the field, any damage by a card effect to the controller of this card becomes 0.

Well, this is bad news for Burn players. Of course, we all know what “Des” really means. It’s a wombat and it’s dead. What’s to be afraid of? Zombie wombats, that’s what.

TLM-EN032 King of the Skull Servants
Dark/Zombie/1/?/0
Effect: The original ATK of this card becomes the number of "King of the Skull Servants" and "Skull Servant" cards in your Graveyard × 1000 points. When this card is destroyed and sent to the Graveyard as a result of battle, remove from play 1 other "King of the Skull Servants" or "Skull Servant" card in your Graveyard to Special Summon this card.

Haha! The flavor text has finally come true! It took them fifteen sets (twenty-six if you’re following the OCG), but they finally have their power. I’m picturing scores of Skull Servants protesting outside of the White House, with their picket signs and lawn chairs, demanding their rights. This is one for the History Textbooks. Soon we’ll all be learning about the Skull Servant Revolt of ’05. You can tell your grandchildren about this one.

TLM-EN037 Card of Sanctity
Spell/Normal
Remove all cards in your hand and on your side of the field from play. Draw cards until you have 2 cards in your hand.
Super Rare/Ultimate Rare

I’d hardly call that sanctity. The only card of sanctity I can think of is maybe some sort of Church-issued credit card. They could call them Christ-Bucks, or Deacon-Dollars.

TLM-EN045 Legendary Black Belt

Spell/Equip
You can only equip this card to "Chu-Ske the Mouse Fighter", "Monk Fighter", or "Master Monk". When the equipped monster destroys your opponent's monster and sends it to the Graveyard as a result of battle, inflict damage to your opponent's Life Points equal to the DEF of the destroyed monster.
Rare/Ultimate Rare

Nifty belts do not a great warrior make. Except in Yugioh.

TLM-EN046 Nitro Unit

Spell/Equip
You can only equip this card to a monster on your opponent's side of the field. When a monster destroys the equipped monster and sends it to the Graveyard as a result of battle, inflict damage to your opponent's Life Points equal to the ATK of the equipped monster.
Rare/Ultimate Rare

I like this card. When the monster destroys it, the destroyer gets destroyed as well, and you have to start over at the last checkpoint.***

 And that’s all I got. I thought I should write something about the new set so I can continue passing myself off as a real Yugioh column. Really, there’s not much separating this from some second-grader’s writing assignment.

Yes, I’m quite aware that all of this was much funnier in my head.

-Ace of Spades, who apologizes profusely for the absurdity and idiocy of his column.

Ace can be contacted at ctrlaceofspades@gmail.com

Hey kids, now you can read about Ace’s zany life at his web journal thing. Linkage: http://ctrlaceofspades.blogspot.com/

*With apologies to Team Rocket and my co-workers.

**Geez, I shouldn’t even offer this reference for points. I’m way to generous with you people.

***Which classic PSX platformer am I babbling about? Prove your worth as a gamer and tell me the answer for it is worth four points.